My Helpful Guide to (Your) Lent Resolutions that Can Help The World.

Dearest.
This blog  post will not be too flashy or exciting, but if you stick with it, you will see that i have included a great surprise.

(this may be a lie, depending on your definintion of surprise) (and great).

It’s coming up to Easter, and the whole lent thing, where people pretend they’re going to stop doing or eating certain things for a while and then reward themselves by doing all of these things later and in abundance. I don’t partake in this tradition, firstly because I’m not Christian, but also because I think if you’re going to give something up, why not do it for good, or else just do less of it? On top of this if I was going to keep them (IF) I would not choose some of the most depressingly cold and uneventful couple of months to do so.

So instead, here is a list of things that I wish other people would stop doing.

You’re welcome.

1.  Getting so close behind me in a queue that I could file harassment charges. 

NO ONE should be allowed to get as close to you as happens in a queue. For some reason for me this always occurs at the bank (a hive of sexual activity, naturally). Just because I rearrange my leg slightly in a forward direction, this is not an invitation for you  to climb on top of me. This is especially annoying given that we can see that the queue goes on for precisely 1.8 miles. 

 2.  Misusing the word ‘Flu’ when you clearly meant ‘COLD’.

You don’t have the flu, your nose just sort of twitched for a moment there, you will be ok. Please stop doing this forever now. Thanks.
People die from the flu, people become mildly uncomfortable with the cold, and mostly only when they don’t have a tissue.

On top of this crime, I know a woman who to this day still misuses the word 'Sunstroke' when she actually means mild sunburn. But she probably also thought that vodka only turns to alcohol if you let it sit. She was basically this person. (Maybe more withholding)

3.Cutting  your nails with a nail clipper to a rhythm on a bus. .

I have only witnessed this on one occasion, but I shivered more than I have shivered in my life.

 4.  Saying you’re poor...when what you actually mean is that you can’t buy that many shoes this week.


  5. Current frequent use of the word Vintage

        as in “Is that scarf vintage?” No. No it is isn’t. I found it at the back of my wardrobe under a pile of shoes if that’s what you mean. 

6..    Toilet ladies.  

     I could go on and rant about this but I know I would never get it as well as this. 

  

     (skip to 1:35)

          

           

9   7.  Bad phone connections- even when its my phone/ signal that’s at fault, I get so illogically angry at the person at the other end. Probably exacerbated by the fact that we have to shout to hear each other. Somewhere along  the line the shouting stops being acoustic driven and starts being fury driven.

     I’ve lost friends over this one.

Here’s a picture of a  cat.

Lent starts February 22nd 2012 in all good bookshops.